Livin' on Life to be Death {Etta}

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar was doing what he normally did on monday afternoons after all the classes. He lifted weights. Doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running were fine and great. Pushing yourself past those normal limits were better. As such he just finished one of his two sets of ten.

He was sweating, but not crazily so. At the moment he was sitting on the stool of the little bar drink vendor drinking a powerade brand, he didn't bother to pay enough attention to it to know what the name of it was. He was dressed in simply running shoes, t-shirt, and cargo pants.

His thoughts consumed him since his body was resting for the moment. Soon this'll be more of a pain than it already is. I just hope I die before I get too old to do anything. After all i'd rather die quickly in battle than in bed of cancer or something. Heck dying in my sleep would be too boring. Oh well, I might end it all before any of that happens.

He shook the odd thoughts of death when he already felt invigorated, but tired. He stood up and after chunking the powerade despite it still being half full decided to go check the treadmills before beginning his last half and then swimming to cool down before leaving. Now that the thoughts of dying had left his system temporarily he was trying to decide on what to do for the rest of the day.

He had no grading to do since he did that quickly and efficiently in the mornings before anyone was awake and before his class periods. He sighed heavily before deciding finally on simply taking a nap somewhere and generally being lazy for the rest of the day. After all what else was there to do? Rin wasn't having any problems recently. To top it off he hadn't seen any of his students around recently so maybe he'd get let off without having to socialize.

After all thats why he kept the cold, distant, yet polite demeanor up. Or how he liked to put it, a professional stance. He popped his arms and stretched his legs for a minute while thinking on his class and future lessons before moving on to the treadmill room. Before even arriving as he rounded a corner he bumped right into someone knocking them flat down. He blinked surprised someone had rounded the corner as sharply as he did and held his hand out before looking clearly at who it was and said concerned, yet calm and distant. " Are you hurt?"

[roselynfrizroy]

Rochette was walking around and decided to just workout she had nothing better to do. After all she need to work off those chips she had for lunch! She changed and wanted to go for a run. Treadmills it was! She chose a secluded treadmill and began to think about many things. Her teacher was among those thoughts. She shook her head away from those thoughts. She worried to much about people she shouldn't.

Sweat was dripping down her forehead. She looked at her watch. She had be running for a good hour and a half. She slowed her pace until she had stopped completely. For a moment she stood on the treadmill, taking in deep breaths. She didn't have any water to drink so she thought she go get some. She slowly walked because she was thinking about everything on her run. Her Brother, Her teacher, School work, Her teacher, her emotions, and once again Her sociology teacher. She rubbed her head and took a sharp turn around a corner and not very surprisingly hit someone and fell down. She was still rubbing her head when someone's voice she knew very well asked her is she was okay. "Um, yeah. Just wasn't paying attention." Etta said taking his hand and pulling herself up. She looked right into his eyes, with a meaningful caring look.

She was embarrassed, she was sweaty and she was wanting nothing more then to have water and get to the bottom of his suffering. She was caring and overdoing it. Yet she didn't care about what others thought of it, she just wanted him to be happy. She noticed he wasn't always happy during class, something was up. Though making him happy could be hard, being a teacher-student relationship, she couldn't do much to help. Or could she? That was the reason she loved people, she loved to help, but sometimes she need to learn to help herself first.

"Are you okay? I don't mean after me hitting into you." She asked worried he would just shove her off to the side like most people did. She stood her ground, this wasn't one of the times she was going to let up. If she was going to see him almost every day, she was going to figure him out. She just had to, mo matter what. She need to know. He was a puzzle that she was going to put together.

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar blinked in surprise as he helped up surprisingly, and yet irritatingly a student of his. Not just any student, but one who was taking his as a major. Also again not just any student he had that had a major, but one that he had heard from gathered information on his students as a overly caring person that tried to analyze and help people. That was fine and fantastic, but to do it to him a master of it and highly experienced person. Not easy, and to make it worse he didn't want to reveal anything that others would think of problems and what he thought of as simply deciding a course in life.

He didn't want to sideline her harshly since he'd have to put up with her, plus that was a good way of her seeing that there was something wrong with him. Well that is if by her question she had already started trying to psyco-analyze him, which seemed apparent. Her he'd have to be careful with.

He replied back as she stood her ground blocking his way, inwardly he grumbled like a old man who just didn't care anymore and was always angry. Outside he put on a pleasant, yet also disarming smile and kept his tone courteous, surprised, yet distant. The distance he seemed to never get rid of, it was that mystery that no one seemed to know about him. The most anyone in the entire school knew about him was the headmaster, and all he knew was his base record and that wasn't going to be revealed to just anyone.

" Sorry about the fall, I should have been more careful. I have not much of a clue about being alright, i'm quite alright. Thank you for the concern however." Despite all the pleasantness, politeness, and generally seeming optimistic. He out of all of that didn't display happiness. To top it off despite keeping his facial expressions genuine in appearance. They seemed just a hair bit forced. He hoped she didn't have a natural perceptive talent at spotting those sorts of things.

He could fool almost anyone except those trained in that, or natural polygraph type people. Which he was one, thankfully however he was also a natural faker and trained in it. For the most part he just had to simply rely on luck for her not to notice the sliver of cracks in his facade.

[roselynfrizroy]

"It's no problem." She of course saw the flaws, for she played that same game. She always put on a happy face to hide all of the pain in her life. Once again an other reason she enjoyed helping people, she saw that others had it worse then her, not many but some. She looked at the way he stood looking at her. It was the same way she looked at others. They way he stood is how she stands when she wants to be left alone. Was she going to leave him alone? Not a chance. She was going to get answers, and soon.

She dropped her face own and looked at him with that serious yet caring look. "No really are you okay. You don't seem to be that happy soul you try to put off." Etta said in a worried voice. She hoped that this would have him feel comfortable enough to tell her something she could help with, or at the least, understand. From some of the graduates she learned that he wasn't one that you could warm up to. Yet, once again she didn't care about what they said, she was going to try, and succeed.

It wasn't her place to help. She let a small smile cross her face because she knew that helping him would be harder then anyone else she tried to help before. Many people now and days were shallow, but in their minds it was very much so real and important, she had a feeling that he wasn't shallow.

He was puzzling her even more. How could he just stand there and act alright, with hardly a hint of sorrow or uncertainty. She smiled again at this thought. She really should stop smiling, or he might began to ask questions, but she couldn't help it! Every time she saw him, it made her smile, or when ever she thought of him it made her smile.

Now this thought made her face drop to a frown. She really shouldn't smile at the thought of him, she couldn't help it. Was she crushing on a teacher? Was she caring too much? Was she getting attached to him? How could this be happening? Her head was swimming with thoughts and she really wasn't sure if he had said anything or if she had fainted, if she had, it had to be from dehydration.

Notes: You chose what happens!

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar caught his breath, he should have known she'd see through the facade. The little miniscule cracks in his mask of pretending so people would leave him alone. His problems he was trying to sort out, if he told them to a student even one who was graduating with sociology as a major...Well it just didn't seem right to burden others, it never had.

He kept the mask on deciding it was far more courteous and if he showed any of the way he normally was inside of himself she'd analyze that. This was almost a game if one that he had to be extra-careful in playing. He looked her over before grasping her hand lightly and pointed to the bar drink vendor place down the hallway.

He spoke as he did before, " Happiness is overrated when you get my age." A pitiful excuse and one she'd probably use as a springboard, but what else could he say? He could only hide so much, but what was this feeling from her? He felt like he could trust her, at least to speak about his decisions yet to come and his life. Everything really.

He didn't trust that feeling, his mind was overriding his heart now. He trusted her emotionally, yet his mind and every scar he had from being betrayed cut that trusts back with mistrust. Beyond the trust he felt he also felt like he should just tell her everything, he almost felt bad for not telling her everything right now. He was confused, what was his feelings for her? He needed to sort those out.

He spoke again as he pointed at the bar for a moment longer, " Lets get you something to drink, maybe we can talk more if you feel like running with me." It was a offer, that he'd talk to her if only she could keep up. Otherwise she'd get left behind like everyone else. Well she was the only person who genuinely cared enough to help and not just ask once and stop.

He didn't know whether to feel annoyed by the persistance, or embarressed it took a person like her to talk to truthfully. He had never talked about himself with anyone before. It was a bit sad really, family was gone in a manner of speaking, friends too, rin and sieffre were the beginning of a family he guessed. Sieffre would graduate the same year Rochetta would. Rin would be stuck with him for a few years more and then gone. To him he only had a few years left, if that. He was a disease to himself. That was how his life worked, it never changed. He was the death and balance to everyone elses living life.

[roselynfrizroy]

She snapped back to earth when he caught his breath. For a moment she didn't know what was happening,then it clicked, she had figured the first piece of this puzzle within a matter of minutes. So she smiled at him.

When he touched her hand her heart skipped a beat. She couldn't think clearly. She hadn't felt like this in a long time. The last time she couldn't think straight was when she had... She wouldn't dare think about that night, it hurt to much. She looked into his eyes before saying: "No one is to old to be happy. You just have to find what makes you happy first. No matter how long it takes." She smiled at him matter of factly with a soft twinkle in her eye.

She was holding his hand and walking along in front of him towards the bar, but it wasn't really walking more like running towards the bar. She could feel the tension between them and she let go of his hand as she sat down.

Once she got her water, she pretty much finished it, one or two gulps and she was done. She took an other bottle of water for the run with Murazar. Just in case. She had ran for such a long time that she didn't think that she could run any more, but she wasn't going to tell him that. And anyways, she liked being around him, but she'd feel even better if he told her what was the matter.

It was different. He was the teacher and she wouldn't get over that, no, She couldn't get over that fact. She really did care, but...she wasn't sure if she should like him at all or even care...she was confused and disoriented. She rubbed her temples and sighed.

"Ready to run?" She asked with a genuine smile. Although maybe she did want to run, didn't mean she didn't want to be with him. She hopped off the stool and stood before him waiting for answer. While she waited she thought about the way he talked and walked, stood and smiled, many other things took over her thoughts as well, but she got lost in her thoughts around him. Hopefully she can get her act together. She began to swing her arms back and forth.

[Murazar Dauthi]

Murazar followed her after she broke free to get a drink, he rose a eyebrow in the irony of the situation. He kept the mask and illusion of the smile on his face despite her seeing through it, it did help. He dropped it every once in awhile as if pondering something that heavily distracted him. Regardless, he always got back on track almost instantly after.

He chuckled falsely, it was hollow to his ears. To hers it may not sound hollow, after all not alot of people pretended to laugh. He responded almost instantly as if he easily knew what to say, even if he was only pretending emotion. " Only if you are, the question is can you keep up?"

With that said he almost just vanished from her sight as if he just rolled out of her vision as fast as he could. It was a neat trick, but rarely useful and never any more. Just something that people thought you were some kind of magician or something.

He was at the door motioning for her to follow, he decided mentally that outside running would be the best option. That way if she got left behind then he could keep going so long as it didn't endanger her. Then as a teacher and a gentleman he'd have to keep from her losing her way or being in danger.

He spoke softly and with a wink, " We'll walk to the exit, that way I don't knock down another pretty lady." Complimenting usually worked on women in some fashion. At the least he wasn't lying in his opinion, and knew it might slow her brain process down at least for some period of time.

That and wanting to walk on the way out would give him time to stretch his legs properly so he would pull something. That was something he considered important in excercise, if you strained something out in the middle of no where or miles away. You simply put, were screwed. Lovely concept to think about when taking a five mile jog to keep in shape. Especially if the jog takes you near steep edges which were everywhere in the forest and terrain.

He kept the smile fixated on her, her was slightly improving the cracks by making it seem more natural. Despite that it still was difficult to erase the hollow and meaningless of it.

[roselynfrizroy]

The sound of his laugh wasn't right. Something was off. She wasn't sure if it was just to laugh or if it was to hide something. "I can try to can't I?" She smiled. She blinked just for a second and he was at the door. She thought for a moment, then decided that he had ran there, using an old trick. She continued to smile and walked over to him.

That wink and she was hooked, and on top of that a complement! She had an interest for old fashion kinda guys and so far, he was one. She was blushing and her head was jumbled with thoughts. Did he really think that? Or was he lying? The tone he said it in wasn't like when he had laughed, but she was...she didn't know how she felt!

And that smile as they walked was fake...so maybe the complement was too. She sighed. Etta wasn't even sure if he was talking. If this was his plan, it was working.

Her hair was in a ponytail, unusually, so she naturally let it down. She did a rocker hair flair and her sweaty hair puffed out. She laughed a genuine laugh and had that addicting smile on her face. She had no idea where they were walking to and she didn't care. She was happy to be outside on a run, with her favorite, in more then one way, teacher. She felt at this moment that she was going to skip the whole way. She was full if energy and was so much more happy then before bumping into Murazar. She was over the top, just like she was before she killed her father and mother. She stopped dead in her track and her face fell.

The emotions and the screams of pain the change and the feeling of blood splatting on her. She gasped and bit her lip. She never wanted to re-live or remember the pain and suffering she had gone through. Or the family she had lost that night. She shook and her hand became fits. She could feel a rumble in her chest, but it wasn't strong. She could fight it. She inhaled and exhaled a few times. Then looked up and saw Mura looking at her. Her eyes were blurred from tears about to rain down.

[Murazar Dauthi]

He paused hearing her no longer walking, he looked to her frowning one moment then with worried concern the next. He walked back over to her and spoke softly as he analyzed her. Memory flashback of some sort, horrible, probably action done by oneself. Possible death involved... No wait, probable death involved. Should intervene before it escalates out of control.

His voice was nearly a whisper," Other people shouldn't be forced to do such things. I should be the only one, I should be the consumption of all pain." He almost was true to his words, what he was. He consumed others pain, mended them, and kept them going. He himself had no one to do such things he did things for reasons others seemed to be surprised at if not admiring of before they understood how horrible his pain was.

People had tidbits of pain usually, his pain consumed him. He could tell what other peoples pains and degrees were. If they were antbites, or in etta's case. A catastrophe. His were death itself, he was living death. Frozen Fire. Old yet Young. He walked a little closer before hugging her. His concern was genuine, if anything concern, worry, and caring were what he did only for those who deserved it.

She deserved at least some of it, she cared enough to pester him to try and talk about his problems as if she could solve the unbreakable lock. He spoke softly, " Its alright now, breath easy and look foreward. Life continues for those who deserve it. You deserve it." It was almost between caring and sagely advice. Also under the advice he gave, none of it fit him. It gave him a loophole because to him it was true, deserving of life was his statement. He didn't deserve it, end of everything. She did, beginning of everything.

He held her for a moment until wondering whether to let go or not, he looked around just for a moment subtley and noticed no one around to stare at them. He may have looked young, but not that young. Plus no one could really bother him, unless they were idiots in general. He could almost defend agaisnt any insult if not anything someone could throw his way to trip him or destroy him. As if he cared if he was destroyed or not.

[roselynfrizroy]

Etta was full out crying and was consumed by his hug. She muttered something that no one could understand over the crying but herself. It was that she was glad that he cared for someone and it was real. She knew this because he wouldn't be hugging her, and it made her feel better. She tried to push away to look at his face, to see if he was acting, but she couldn't. So she just pressed her face into his chest, wetting it even more.

Even though he told her to breath easily, she couldn't, crying made it hard. So she took a deep breath in and almost choked on it. She then tried to laugh, but it came out as a snort. She smiled but continued to cry. She rapped her hand around him, not wanting to let go. "Should we get running?" She asked in broken words. Her eyes closed as her head turned to the side so she could breath easily. She was smiling again, if she was with anyone else, they would call this 'mood swings', which in some cases it is, but he just had a way about him that made her happy.

She sniffled and listened to the beat of his heart. Steady, unlike hers that was skipping and hard to hear. This almost reminded her of that night. She closed her eyes and cried some more. Some how she couldn't express how she felt right now, other then crying. She pressed her head again into his chest and hummed to herself, trying to clam herself down so she could run.

She took breaths in and didn't choke this time round, so she laughed then said: "I wish I could breath normally all the time!" She was somewhat back, though she was faking, she had that silver lining that shone through, slightly. She gulped and hoped he didn't notice. But she knew very well that he had. She almost wanted to cry again, but that was enough crying for the rest of the month. She attempted to wiggle out of his grasp, but it was impossible for her. So, she staid put and wait for him to let go. If he didn't, she didn't mind, he was warm and mostly dry, so... it was all good. Plus she was never the one being helped she was always helping.

[Murazar Dauthi]

He stood there and spoke quietly as she cried, he was always the pillar of support. No matter how frozen, rigid, and the enormous number of cracks made him seem like from the outside he'd never fall apart and always be there for everyone else. Yet inside, he was falling apart faster than than a boeing 747 hit by a cruise missile. Which was one of the things he had seen before. Possibly one of the most destructive things he had seen before too.

He spoke quietly and calmly, his voice trying to be comforting. " I'm right here if you need me. I will be for a while longer yet." So far that was the closest he had ever come to saying he wouldn't stay at the school for too long of a period of time. He smiled softly as he held her tightly, he figured until she was completely calm or complained about him holding her he wouldn't let go just yet.

For some reason her erratic heartbeat and tears made him feel as if he should stay a bit longer with her than anyone else. Normally he helped someone and moved on as soon as possible. Which normally was fast, some people like rin just couldn't be permanently helped without years of dedication. If he died and she knew... Rin would shatter further than she could ever be healed. If he vanished however... She'd look for him, move on, and strengthen on her own. Either that or break completely.

To him he still was trying to decide why he was getting attached to so many people. He needed to stop and just die! Vanish! Something! Getting attached to new people was not his way! He needed to break it all off before complications arose. He needed to stop, but he couldn't the only good parts left in him still cared for the few people they cared about. Anyone and everyone else could burn in hell and he wouldn't bat a eyelash.

He spoke again as he held her comfortingly, which was starting for him to get somewhere between really nice and really awkward which neither he was going to show. " You know you have a really cute way of trying to fake yourself to me." Now what possessed him to say that even he didn't know. Regardless it went right in line with his earlier flirting way.

[roselynfrizroy]

This hug was more them was trying to comfort her, it was meaningful and true, something she treasured. Yet, those words that rang through her head for a while, "I'm right here if you need me. I will be for a while longer yet." What could he mean by that? She knew that teachers didn't stay at one school, and people in general didn't stay in one place for very long. She was once again caught up in this puzzle. Some pieces not fitting and she hadn't found all of them yet anyway.

She was calm now and could easily push back to see his face. it was. . . Hard to explain, His eyes were soft and caring, but hide something too deep to make out, and his smiled was. . . different. She took a deep breath in and smiled back at him. She felt a connection that was different from any other person. There was something behind the smile and softly spoken words.

Something she couldn't put her finger on. It must have to do with something outside of her and this moment. She completely pushed away from him in an fit of anger with herself, from one thought. She had many of these moments, but they where usually kept on the inside, but once again she felt that she could be herself without being judged or criticized by him.

She took a deep breath in and pretended to be clam once again. At his comment of: " You know you have a really cute way of trying to fake yourself to me." She sighed with a roll of her eyes. She should have known! He could obviously see how she felt, but she took it as more of a flirtatious comment then anything else. Which is always good for her when she is like this, angry, sad, or just plain thinking about something, or someone that confused her, which at this moment he did. She escaped this though and spoke. "Have you every felt like this? Like you just wish that nothing had ever happened?" She breathed, wishing she had kept her mouth shut. She looked at her feet and ran on spot to keep her mind from wandering.

She need to either sleep or run to tire herself out even more. She couldn't handle any more emotional out bursts from herself or anyone today, She would die if she cried again.

[Murazar Dauthi]

He let go softly when she pushed away finally, he watched her carefully. It seemed like anger, but at who he didn't know. He was sure it was herself however, but that was gut instinct. Probably right, always trust your instincts. They're usually right. The words of a former friend echoed in his mind.

He stopped and watched her, he kept the odd smile. The mask. He kept wearing it no matter how shredded it was. He had to, it was a duty to do so. He listened to her speak for a moment before closing his eyes and speaking, his voice was frozen calm. It was different from the charming tone before, this one bespoke wisdom.

" We all wish things to be different, past actions corrected. All the wrongs we committed gone with out any ill effects, but what would we learn from it? What would we gain? Everything has a price, and we all must pay something for everything."

He stopped and opened his eyes before pretending to look startled, it wasn't hard to also couple embarressment in it. He spokes as if trying to wave what he just said away. That hard bought piece of wisdom had nearly cost his life. In more ways than one.

" Dont pay any attention to a old timer like myself. It probably doesn't help that it comes from your own teacher. Maybe I should leave." The last sentence was spoken abruptly to the rest, as if he really did think it best for him to leave. He turned around and took several steps forward while thinking quietly.

Then like poison he was tackled with a flashback. Explosions racketed around. He was knocked from under his feet while firing, shrapnel had shredded his body armor and had dug into his skin deeply. He coughed up blood before barely standing, he was on the verge of losing consciousness. Several times he blacked out only to find himself standing up or leaning on something.

It was almost unnatural, he fell down at the waist high wall where only three of his team still were alive to shoot at the enemy. He agaisnt their wishes shot back at the enemy before the place was bombed. Death shone everywhere. Life was barely seen. He passed out.

In the present his hands were shaking, or more correctly his trigger fingers on both hands shook violently as if he was shooting. He was frozen in place with a blank expression before shaking his head. Sweat had gathered there at the rememberance of another near death and death of many others. He shook the reverie that lasted only a few moments before attempting to move forward.

[roselynfrizroy]

"No, Don't go. I ▬" She looked at him with great worry she watched his hands move up and take the shape of holding guns. She looked into his blank face and bit her lip.

"Are you okay?" She reached out to him, comfortingly, and not expecting an answer. Quite an interesting change just after a few moments, anger, worry, to caring and worry once again. She stopped him from moving forward, she hugged him, She wanted to show that she did care about him.

She wanted him to let out the pain and just breath the truth, like she should. Etta knew that this was harder then it seemed, she had gotten into a pattern of lying and hiding, she couldn't believe that someone felt her pain too, that it was so close to the same pain that she had. "Please don't go now. I don't think I could handle being alone, right now. Stay. She almost whispered to him and him alone, she knew in time that she could put on her face once again, but not yet, her emotions were raw and true, she hoped he could see that, feel that in the way she spoke and cried.

She did, finally after a long time of thinking it through, From the time she was on the treadmill to this very moment, love him more then her own life. Etta knew that he would think that she was crazy and that she shouldn't. Or at the least that is how she felt, she felt that shouldn't but she couldn't help it, she loved him so much.

She loved that he really cared about her, she loved the way he really smiled, the way he hid himself from everyone. She couldn't stop thinking about him. It was an addiction. She took a deep breath in for the both of them.

A somewhat healthy addiction she tried to convince herself of this, but she couldn't think straight. Taking her mind away from jumbled thoughts she said: "You can tell me anything you want. I want to help, please let me." She let go of him and held his hands, rubbing the back of them with her thumbs, now looking into his eyes, waiting for an answer. She bit her lip hard once again.

[Murazar Dauthi]

Why did she care? Why did anyone care? He was a killer who while seeming young, always felt ancient. He was still contemplating suicide. Not to rid himself of the ever-frequent flashbacks of death and the hellish nightmare of the battlefield. It was that he had nothing to keep him going.

He froze and stood still as she hugged him, he let his arms fall and kept his entire stance and face frozen in a neutral expression. Finally he relented, if just slightly. " Very well, I will stay with you. Although there is nothing you can do for me. I walk the Valley of the Shadow of Death." His face flickered only for a split second in a grin before vanishing.

If you weren't looking for it, you most likely would have missed it. He whispered almost inaudibly, sub-consciously whispering to himself. "My valley." He looked back to her and smiled as he hugged her, all friendly once again now that the moment of rememberance had passed once again.

" Still want to run, or do you want me to rock you to sleep?" It was half-way like a joke, as if just to try and lighten the mood while distracting her. He tried to throw in the flirty jokes as much as possible since she seemed distracted by them. He still was trying to work out why it felt wonderful for someone to care enough to be this persistent. That and what her feelings were about him, so far it seemed more than just general concern.

When she held his hands rubbing them with her thumbs, he felt the callouses there. They weren't soft, they were like stone. Her looking into his eyes he smiled, he closed his eyes to try and make the smile even more real and throw her off his tracks of lying. It was almost perfect except having to avoid her eyesight.

To most of his pupils they probably wouldn't know any different or suspect anything different. She on the other hand was jumping at everything that had the slightest hint of 'fake' written in it. It was like trying to throw a bloodhound off your trail after they had your specific scent. It wasn't likely to happen, and if so only temporary. He however was skilled at throwing people off his trail, so he only improved what he did.