revisiting nightmares, [rin]

[Rose Graham]

I come with you, I come for blood.
No laws. No Code of Conduct.
You point me in the right direction,
You better get out of my way.

Rose ran. She ran far away.

The volleyball game had been going on, everything was going okay. Then she was just standing there, looking around, when her eyes locked with another girls. The eyes, they shocked her. So familiar, something behind them. . .

Rose had been thrown back into that night, that one horrible night. The fight, so quick but so horrible, would never leave her mind. Another thing that would never leave her mind was those eyes, those wild eyes that had looked down at her as she rolled over in defeat. Nothing would take that out of her mind. But the girl, looking so innocent, could not be that harsh wolf. Over the past few days, with all the pain and regret, she had convinced herself that she had imagined the scent of human behind the wolf, and it had just been a stray wolf.

A person yelling her name had brought her back to the present, but she fumbled her serve. Her mind was still on the girl. She looked over and there is was. A long bandage down her side, bruises and scrapes. No, Rose had thought, wide eyed. Just looking at it made her shoulder throb painfully, and she put a hand over it, the bandages covered under a loose shirt. It can't have been another human, much less a girl on her team. Rose didn't care if her team were mad at her, or what anybody thought of her. How could she focus on the game? So she ran.

There was pain, throbbing pain, all down her left side as she ran, but she forced herself not to notice. Finding herself running towards the campus, she veered towards the dorms. But as she neared, she didn't want to go into her stuffy room, confined and utterly lonely. So she went to the side of the dorms, not visible to the oncoming eye. Rose leaned against the side of the building, basking in the cool the shade provided. She sat down gingerly, because her running had aggravated her scrapes and bruises, and they were all burning.

With a frustrated sigh, she took off the loose shirt. Underneath, she was wearing a simple black tank top. Her shoulder was suddenly exposed, and so were the thick, thick bandages covering it, medical tape stretched over it to keep it tight. There were times when Rose blessed the heavens she was majoring in medicine, and the day after the fight was one of those times. After admitting defeat, the black wolf had ran, and the gray knew why. There were humans nearby. Rose didn't want to go to anybody for help, not having enough effort to come up with a lie of why her shoulder was completely torn up. She didn't think telling them another wolf bit it would fly without question. So the gray wolf had dragged itself out of the forest, keeping to the shadows as the sun rose, making it to the dorm as the first part of the sun peaked over the horizon. Locking herself in the bathroom, shifted back, and gritted her teeth while she washed out all her wounds. Using as much as she had to cover it, she went out and bought the rest she needed and patched everything up herself.

Rose touched the bandages delicately. The only drawback of doing it herself was that she couldn't get powerful enough medicine to help it heal quickly. Yesterday, she had stolen a handful of old herbs from the medicine room, an old remedy for open wounds. She knew she couldn't keep doing that, and she wondered if she would eventually have to go to a professional. She closed her eyes and grit her teeth, leaning her head against the building. No. Rose didn't know how long she sat there. Something inside Rose was melting, falling down and allowing tears, tears, to roll down her face.

[Natsumi Sayuri]

+ NATSUMI SAYURI +
•••CALL ME RIN•••


My beautiful liar why are you crying on your knees?
You've crucified yourself and now denial is rising...rising...

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There was too much noise in her head, struggling to be free, disastrously wild, a storm on the cusp of lashing out. Anger was nothing in comparison to this -- it was the wrath, the need to carve out her own place. Yes, yes, this brutal emotion, this all-consuming emotion. It drew out the senses, brought her focus into sharp clarity. The Wolf struggled free, clawing up her throat as it sought to push it's skull passed Rin's face, to take shape forcefully, if she would not give in; clawing, tearing, her insides were bleeding, her body was trembling, falling away beneath the sheer force of the Wolf seeking it's freedom. Who cared for the game when it mattered so little in the first place? Dauthi would understand---- the Wolf snapped it's fangs, biting deep into her subconscious as it fought tooth and claw, it's eyes burning into her own. How to fight the shadow when the shadow was yourself? How could she shut down the Wolf, when the Wolf was simply an extension of what she wanted? What she needed?

Breath hissed out between her lips as her head ducked down, eyes wild -- black upon black, shrunk to pinpoints, a frenzy of emotion unlocking the Wolf, trembling through her skin. She couldn't hold on much longer, but to let the Wolf out, to let her take this shape would be to condemn these innocent people to death. They would seek to confine her, to restrain her -- Rin knew, knew so well with the water crashing in her ears, with the game shifting around her -- ineffable as smoke to her grasping fingers. She could not concentrate, did not see anything in front of her but a smear of color blended together and blurring, blurring.

Was she dying? Who knew -- with her blood pounding viciously in her head, with her fingers going numb, with the bleeding, the hurting, the fucking death which scratched an intaglio in her very heart, Rin was suffocated by the Wolf. It was coming, and it would not wait for inevitability; it would not wait for her, but scrabble against the hard line of her spine, it's claws cracking bones, it's claws severing her nerves as body parts went numb. Not now! she pleads, her shoulders hunching together as she seeks the ball, as she seeks to see anything, anything but what the Wolf wanted to be seen.

She had scented the prey -- had found it, in this crowd of men and women, had found that delicate stench of blood, that languorous, metallic scent that slipped over her tongue with ease. Yes, delicate flesh was near, she was near, and there was nothing in the Wolf that would be denied. She fought, and valiantly, make no mistake, for though Rin was a feral girl, she was not completely inhuman. She fought with every thing she had in her, simply for Murazar's sake, simply because she had promised she would try, and try well. But the Wolf, with it's demand snarled thunderously in her ear, with the eye of the storm broken under the sheer weight of catastrophe being thrown around, was too strong for her to fight. Her eyes had touched upon water -- had touched upon the glimmering surface of surprise and a jolt of recognition.

No mistake then -- for surprise curdled the air fiercely as if it wanted to be found, as if it sought Rin's brain, sought out the very demon in her flesh. She could have done it, perhaps. Rin could have held herself together, if very loosely, for the rest of the game -- or until it was time to switch. Perhaps, perhaps... but the girl had run. The girl, stupid girl had run, leaving the game behind, leaving Rin behind, and the Wolf dug it's fangs deep into Rin's neck and bent her in two -- weakness, submission, she could not hold back anymore, and elation soon followed. Victory tasted sweet, deliciously tangible on her tongue as Rin picked up her shirt, as she darted off of the sand, her feet seeking hard ground; the Wolf was coming, coming -- please not yet! and she raced after the scent, her side cramping.

Where the Wolf was relentless, where the Wolf was pride, Rin was determination. Where the Wolf found faults, so did Rin fill in the holes. Apart, they were two broken halves -- together, they were simply a twisted whole. Simply a fucked up, stupid whole, full of power, full of self-importance. Fueled by the need to continue, her feet did not pause, her fingers clenching in the shirt, knotting it around her small wrist. Like a storm brewing, on the edges of disaster, Rin followed the scent, the distant thrashing of a heartbeat; lips turning in a small smile, victorious and entirely too Wolf-like, Rin followed the sounds of harsh breathing, her side knotting in stress. No blood reddened the bandage; Professor Dauthi knew what he was doing. Proud, Rin stepped sideways, her head tilted, tucking her long hair behind one ear as she listened to the sound of an erratic heartbeat, of a gasping lung as torn as her own. Stilling her breath, fearing the hammering of her heart would give her away, Rin moved forward on silent feet, shoeless, sockless, whispering on the grass as she knelt a little ways away. "Why did you run?" she asks, her voice almost sing-song, almost normal, but for the look in her eyes.

Though she didn't inch forward, there was something about Rin's posture that made it appear as if she were about to close in on the prey, her eyes resting almost daintily on the girl's shoulder. Visceral happiness gutted her as the inner coiling of her intestines squeezed with delight. Shifting away from the sight of the shoulder, Rin tilted her head slightly, eyes narrowing, "Why are you crying?" nose twitched, scenting the air -- so similar, it pulled at her heart, made her want to edge closer. The Wolf struggled at the ends of it's leash, a forcefulness behind Rin's dark eyes.

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word count;; 1022
tags;; Rose
OOC;; skidoosh oO Maybe Mura will patch her up, too?

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[Rose Graham]

I come with you, I come for blood.
No laws. No Code of Conduct.
You point me in the right direction,
You better get out of my way.

The throbbing in her shoulder and side were dying down, and being in the shade was actually giving her a little chill. But she didn't dare move to put her shirt on, because no matter how much she needed to warm up, and to stretch her stiff shoulder, she didn't want to move it from the somewhat comfortable position in--or at least, the position in which it was least painful. Whenever it hurt, her mind was thrown back to that night, and she didn't want that to happen again, did not want the memories to haunt her one more time, to feel that agony and shame again and again and again.

She refused.

Now the emerging pain was all over her face. She was worried, but realized it was only a sunburn. Blasted volleyball game. Her only souvenir would be a sunburn. Great. Rose wish that sunscreen would be permanently soaked into her skin for how easily she sunburned. A little laugh escaped her mouth. She was worried about a sunburn? At least it was nice to worry about something as insignificant for a few seconds. Her little laugh was cut off my a hiccup and a shallow sob. Rose didn't realize she was still crying. Silent tears were still streaming down her face, and there were occasional catches in her breath. With her good hand, she reached up and wiped them away with the back of her hand, but it was a fruitless effort--they were quickly replaced with new tears.

Something inside Rose was pushing, trying to get attention, but for the first time in her life, Rose was able to ignore it. She pushed it away, refusing to give into anything that was thrown at her. Right now, she was Rose, flimsy, angry Rose. Her biggest worry would be her homework and her biggest threat would be a failing grade. She would not succumb to hideous thoughts, horrible feelings and predator feeling. She would not shift. If she could never shift again, she would be happy.

Suddenly, as she thought that, something inside her seemed to be ripped out. Rose gasped, putting a hand to her chest. Her stomach felt hollow, and she felt the sudden urge to vomit. Her tears kept coming. Would they ever stop? But she didn't have time to dwell on what happened, for there was suddenly somebody by her. She looked up. . . and met those horrible black eyes again.

Great.

What she had been trying to avoid, what she had refused to succumb to, was those memories. But they came flooding back. Had she followed Rose? But all the feeling, all the hurt that had came to Rose, didn't show in her face. She kept it calm, hard. As the girl asked a why she ran, Rose opened her mouth to reply. But there was something in the eyes, something inhuman, something that made her stop. She wasn't going to confess anything to this girl.

The second question was a little safer, and she gave a little laugh. "That's a good question," she said, and again her laugh was cut off by a hiccup. She winced, not out of pain, but out of pity for herself. She looked like a mess. She realized her shoulder was still exposed. Rose grabbed her shirt and put it on, biting her lip as her stiff shoulder was pulled and shoved this was and that, but she refused to cry out.

[Natsumi Sayuri]

+ NATSUMI SAYURI +
•••CALL ME RIN•••


My beautiful liar why are you crying on your knees?
You've crucified yourself and now denial is rising...rising...

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You'd think the repetitive nature of her thoughts would annoy her; would bore her to tears. Or at least you -- but there is something precious about this adoration, about the single-minded obsession with what she is: the Wolf, yes, always first, always foremost. Between one person and another, the Wolf will always be chosen -- it was the intimate nature of her own yearnings, it was the fierceness of her straightforward want -- in the Wolf, she can express herself. In the Wolf, she is not forgotten.

No one forgot Rin, now. They hated her, dissected her, were frightened of her, some even, yes, some even befriended her, but no one ever truly forgot her. She was a brand on your forehead, the total strangeness in a very normal world that called your eyes to her. The moment you meet the feral wildness that lurks in her dark, cat-tilted eyes, you know, yes you know instinctively there is nothing in the world as free, nothing as stubborn as her desire to be that free. You know it will be a long time before you stop checking at the sight of stringy black hair, of catching dark eyes in a crowd and wondering, wondering. Conceited? Yes. The Wolf is a whorish beast, adoring the attention that is her birth right.

Creature of strength, creature of beauty, she'll catch the limelight with her very jaws and kill it for her own pleasure. There is nothing better than showing off, than proving one's own worth to those eyes which slid over her fur, which looked into those dark eyes and saw something different. Intelligence meant little, for Rin's brain didn't even match the sheer altruism of her heart. Where others studied, where others read books, typed away on the computer -- Rin sang from the depths of her soul. She was into baring her self, into giving everyone a good look at what she was, who she was. There was nothing to hide, nothing to keep from others that she was ashamed of. The Wolf was a proud thing, purring up the line of her spine, spilling out the dark irises of her eyes -- it swirled there, that feral inhumanity, tickled pink at her find, their find, their happiness.

Remembering the delightful taste of blood seemed to make the ache in her side numb, to subside without second thoughts. It was aromatic -- this pull of the nose, this pull of the tongue as she kept herself from crowding this poor little she, this frightened, angry she. The girl had been stalked, destroyed and stalked again; those lively black eyes seemed to dance with an inner flame, an inner need to bury her fingers in the other wolf's fur, into holding that person close and inhaling deeply of that unique, feminine musk. There was safety in pack, safety in front of this stranger -- no, no, they are more intimate than strangers. More intimate than friends or lovers. They have fought, battled, their anger sharpening against each other as fangs flashed, as claws slid into flesh and drew blood. They were tied together, the moment the black wolf slid it's jaws around the grey's throat. It was only a matter of time before the grey realized this, too.

Rin didn't smile, but there was an uplifting of her chin, a brightening of her face as warmth sizzled through her. Better than friends -- she was someone finally, finally like her. Not just in shape, no, no, but enough of herself in the anger, enough of herself in the Wolf that it brought delight to dance about her lips. They twitched upward, almost condescending, almost disinterested in the other girls sorrows, the other girl's trauma. So conceited, so self-centered: the Wolf didn't care, she simply believed that this was right this way, that this relationship, this give and take, yes, yes, this master and slave, this dynamic, was utterly, breathlessly, perfect. She wanted to reach out, to touch the girl's hair, but that was too inhuman and Rin held back the urge, barely, almost whimsically. The hunt was still on, and the prey was readying to bolt. Thump, thump, thump.

Her eyes lingered on the wound again, ignoring the fierce pride which stabbed her through the heart. Well done the surge of emotion almost blinds her for a moment as her eyelids flicker, as she tilts her head in sudden confusion. The girl didn't answer the question. Not used to this, Rin folded her legs underneath her and sat on the ground with her legs crossed like pretzel, hair tumbling forward as she watched the girl, listened for the tempo of her heart. "You didn't answer my question." she says, bluntly, those feral black eyes inquiring, probing as if she could find the answer by simply looking.

Leaning back slightly, the puzzled expression became a little mischievous as she tilted her head in the opposite direction, almost laughing as she said, "You're angry." Rose was acting like prey; it made the Wolf snicker. The Girl, Rin, only delighted in this meeting. Murazar had almost convinced her it was just a stray wolf; that she would never meet this creature...and yet here she was, right before her. "Don't be, please?" her fingers wrapped around her ankles slightly as she rocked forward, almost playfully. Her voice, strong and true, the sound of a howl given words.

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word count;; 901
tags;; Rose-luffs ;3
OOC;; I'm starting to think Rin is a little bit crazy.

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[Rose Graham]

I come with you, I come for blood.
No laws. No Code of Conduct.
You point me in the right direction,
You better get out of my way.

The world seemed, at the same time, to be cold and hot, slow and fast, loud and quiet. Rose didn't know if it was from the scar or the girl standing over her like a predator, a triumphant predator who was grinning after a chase. Maybe it was both. She wouldn't be surprised. Both scared her like the death of her soul. Something was wrong with her. Why was she so weak? Why was she cowering in the shadow of somebody that she was almost a match to the other night. Almost was the key word, but at least she had fought. Fought until she couldn't anymore, but now, if confronted, she would just cave. What was wrong with her?

Rose tried to reach down to the source of her strength, the harsh comfort and warmth of the Gray. Instead, she was met with harsh coldness, a rejection so ruthless that it made her want to gasp out loud. Something pricked the back of her eyes. I will not cry, not anymore. At least not with anybody watching, because Rose's promises haven't been worth much lately. But, who knew. Maybe it was a new life she was jumping into. The thought made her shiver. It was repulsive.

Looking away, Rose almost believe the plea in the girls voice . . . until she looked and saw the hungry expression in her eyes. Did it ever go away? Would there ever be a human emotion in those eyes, something not possessed by the wolf so obviously in this girl. She was a cute girl, Rose could see that. She could be adorable, a lovable girl, but something was wrong. It would always be wrong.

And then Rose saw, saw the condescension in her eyes. The seeming triumph. Out of habit, Rose grit her teeth, something relating to barring them like a wolf in defense, even a low growl came up from the back of her throat. "What give you any right to guess my emotion," Rose almost spat. It made no sense, and it was completely untrue, but since the Gray left, nothing made sense. "And don't ask questions knowing you won't get an answer." Rose looked closed her eyes, refusing to meet those eyes. Something inside of her laughed. She clenched her hands, felling it mock her, telling her what a fool she was. Telling her she couldn't do anything in life while it was away. She tried to grasp it, but it just retreated again. Was this her punishment for dreaming of a life without it?


[Can anybody say finally? Sorry 'bout that, I've just been a leetle busy and distracted. Well, even if it is crappy, at least it is a post for you. Hope it's enough to work off?]