//dig.it.up__andTEARit[down]•••Luke

[Natsumi Sayuri]

Little bits of sweat blurred with the salt and grime of the water; oceans surged rampantly forward, swallowing the Can loneliness be banished from your heart so easily? Can it be filled up with laughter, with smiles, and a little bit of friction? There are girls who throw themselves into the physical reality of sensuality -- those girls which ride the waves of pleasure to erase the loneliness that existed between the cracks in their make up; there were girls who laughed and smiled as if it was the most natural thing in the world, but every night they curled up in their beds and cried, cried, cried. So many girls, so many faces -- so many little kids finding themselves amidst a rising tide of sorrow, suffocating beneath the only mask that keeps them afloat. Rin is such a girl -- she is crippled by her loneliness, tainted by her bitterness, by a trust she had broke and has sought ever since.

It is love, at it's most basic form; it is desperation which forces her feet forward, seeking his door when the rest of the world was crumbling beneath her feet; it had been loneliness which had wrapped her fingers around Murazar's shirt, had listened to his deadpan voice and found a certain stability in it. It was desperation that had broke through her taciturn nature and blinked it's hungry red eyes at Dimitri when her fangs had sunk inches deep into his forearm. Violence made her feel alive, the Wolf, an entity as terrible as it was beautiful, locked it's own mouth around her throat and conjoined their shadows -- they could never be apart: but that didn't mean that one did not overpower the other.

No, it did not mean t hat what the Wolf whispered in her silence, emotional ways, was wrong. Rin could disappear if she wished. Rin could give up this pain, cast it far from herself and submerge herself in what it was to be the Wolf -- what it was to be anything but herself. She could die, right here, before Luke; she could say her goodbyes, and fall headlong into that devouring fire, into those black merciless eyes, fall so far into fur as black as midnight, as the velvet of the sky stretched out over the sky and she could howl her voice raw.

What mattered when she was surrounded by flames, when the stench of sulfur burned her nose and t he Wolf was the cause of it? When the only way she felt fully alive was in this moment, when the Wolf was here, rubbing it's flank against her shoulder, the heat of it's passions warming her hands? Luke was not wrong -- but words, by themselves were weak. Words, spoken in the dark when she felt the most alone, could barely touch the Rin that hid deep within her heart.

Conscious of how different she was from others, ostracized by her own social inadequacies, Rin let the Wolf's heart lead her, and it led into dark places such as these, into shadows and glimmering moonlight, into rain and thunder and rage, so much fucking rage it was hard to breathe around it. The Wolf saw strength in the Jaguar, but to be placed second? To be third? Impossible.

Crippled by her need for stability, Rin clung to the Wolf with everything she had, in hatred, in love, in longing for that rush of adrenaline, for that overpowering intoxication as the skin shifted, as pain broke through her sorrows and her worries -- as she fled from the world. Run, run, run -- how long since she had run? How long since she had fallen into her other shape? Long, the Wolf rumbles, it's voice pitched deep with it's own regret. To be unable to run? To be unable to find that touch of eternity in an endless forest? These were what the Wolf wanted -- memories of a home in Montana, a pack that resided full of hatred... these were the things the Wolf knew, these the memories that stabilized her. She was pitched in a cold, cruel world, exiled to an island, away from a pack she had loved fiercely despite their brutality. Violence was survival. Lashing out at the world, an instinct that could not be silenced; so Rin suffered with the Wolf -- so Rin listened, as the Wolf slipped it's muzzle against her neck and rumbled a low growl, ears flattened, longing sharp.

Rin did not belong here. It is an eerie thing to be told the same t hing twice -- to hear Mura's words mismatched and repeated by Luke: to see a pattern growing. Control the wolf. Shut it down. Tightness knotted in her chest, fear and revulsion turning her stomach as she hugged her knees tightly to her chest. "We've been abandoned." she says, and it is as if the Wolf is speaking too, staring out from behind her eyes. Darkness covers them, but there is warmth here, as the Wolf fills her up like a cup. "Murazar used to tell me that I had to control the Wolf. I might've done it for him." so whimsical her voice turns, as she rubs her cheek against her knee, eyes closing against the darkness pressing in all sides. Could she really explain to Luke that simply because he said these things, did not mean she had the strength, or the conviction to follow them? Sensible, logical -- but the heart is not run by thoughts. It is run by emotions, by perceptions made from unconscious judgments. Rin did not believe him, from what she had seen.

She could not leave the world, could not reach out and hold his hand; she had done it for Murazar, and it had left her alone. No, no, going against your own beliefs was too painful when you were left behind. She knew, as the Wolf knew, no amount of running could bring her back to Mura's side. No amount of running could force Dimitri to stay away -- she had been fully claimed in a game she did not understand, and all she wanted, all she ever fucking wanted was a place she could call home. A place where she could curl up and feel warm. The Wolf can never leave you completely. I’m sure the people that really hate shifting would have gotten rid of theirs a long time ago if they could. You don’t have to be afraid of taking control of it and you don’t have to be alone.

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Who knew what triggered it? There was no moment that could be pinpointed, no little word, or little action that connected one from the next -- there was only a slow, pulsing agony as the Wolf could not bear to be contained. As the Wolf, unable to watch this misery protected the girl the only way it knew how: it pushed against the barrier of flesh, slipping through blood, so amorphous and terrible, a disease as addicting as X slipped over the tongue. So silent this shift, but for the clothes which shredded and tore as muzzle broke out from her face, as her tiny body contorted into another, wholesome shape; fur broke free, the Wolf broke free and Rin fled into darkness; consumed by flames of the Wolf's heart, she nestled there as the Wolf padded, invisible with black eyes, black fur, black heart -- as it padded over and pressed it's nose against Luke's shoulder, ears pulled back, fur shivering with the low-droning rumble that slipped through her lips like distant thunder, a purr pitched deep within the chest, an anger, love and fierce loyalty curling the tail low. Don't make me disappear, -- both, so frightened of being forgotten.
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word count;; 1283
tags;; Ollie >;3
OOC;; I don't know if I rped us into a corner -_- but ... it just happened and I didn't know how to change it after I realized this.

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[Luke Bowers]

* LUKE ( OLIVER ) BOWERS ,

Life was too complicated and hard for him. There were certain times that he just wished he didn’t live in the world. That he didn’t live at all. He had these thoughts quite a bit, but he never acted upon them. He had never attempted to hurt or kill himself. But he did wonder, sometimes, why he bothered putting up with it. It was all just confusion. He didn’t really understand how some people appeared to have so much fun, no matter what they were doing. Whether they were partying or in the library reading a book. But maybe they were partying to forget how everything sucked, or when they were reading the book, they were actually thinking about how crappy life can be. That made more sense to him than anything. He jumped from his thoughts when she began to speak. We’ve been abandoned. Murazar used to tell me that I had to control the Wolf. I might’ve done it for him.

[/i]

Luke laughed. It was more of a disgusted laugh than anything else, if it really needed to be categorized. ”You don’t need to do it for him and you don’t need to do it for me. You need to do it for yourself. Everything I’ve said and done has been for you.” Through the darkness he never would have known she was shifting, except that he could hear it. Maybe he should have been worried about her shifting, but he was more worried that she was going to run. Every time she shifted around him, it was because she was going to run. Partly he didn’t want to be left there alone, but he didn’t want her to be alone either. Though it wasn’t very likely that she would make it outside anyways, but it was hardly much safer inside than out. ”Rin?” he called out. To darkness if she wasn’t there and it was evident in his voice that he was unsure. He flinched when he felt the Wolf – when he felt Rin- push against him.

”Please don’t run off,” he said quietly – for whatever reason even he didn’t understand, he just really did not want her to leave. Even if she didn’t try going outside, he didn’t want her to go. Maybe he was afraid of being alone with the storm outside. Maybe he just didn’t want her to run off again. Probably some of both. His hand slowly reached up until the tips of his fingers were barely brushing up against the fur of the animal. His hands pushed further into the fur as it curled around his fingers, beginning to devour his hands in the fur. It was softer than he had expected and warm. He could see her now, just a little since she was so close. Suddenly he stopped and pulled his hands away. Luke took a deep breath as his hands fell to his sides. He was beginning to think she only felt sorry for him.

”I understand that it seems like I’m going in the same direction as Murazar, but you can’t judge me the same as him. We are two different people.” He studied her through the darkness. She could understand him, but in that state she wouldn’t be able to reply. It didn’t really matter, though. Even in her human form, she hardly replied to anything that he said. For the most part, he just felt useless. It seems like nothing he really said or did matters all that much anyways. ”Haven’t I been here for you when you needed someone? I think I deserve a little more than you running off on me all the time, especially when I’m trying to help you. I’ve never pushed you away or told you I was too busy to see you, and I did that because I wanted to show you that I wanted to help.”

He imagined a big warning sign going off in her head right now, but he still didn’t believe he should be pushed away for trying to help, because someone else screwed up. Maybe he needed to remind her that he had stuff to lose as well. He had put his trust into her knowing there was a chance that he could get screwed over again, but he had still done it. He ran his hands over his face, pushing his hair away from his face. ”What can I do to make you trust me?” He paused and sighed. ”Or maybe I should be asking if there is even anything I can do to make you trust me.”


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tagged , Rin<3
words , 746
lyrics , run this town - jay-z
muse , Rin’s post.
notes , Well he hasn’t blown up yet.
credit , rora @ hos

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[Natsumi Sayuri]

Touch was electricity running over her skin; it was his hands slipping through the fur, pulling ever so slightly, burying in the scruff there -- it was darkness meeting darkness, friction and warmth crying out to everything that was cold. They were so close, now -- though their shapes were so different, but in this shape, she could speak more powerfully than she could ever when she was Rin, only Rin. The Wolf had a language of it's own -- full of emotions, of actions, a purity of everything that did not exist in the human world. The Wolf, this Wolf, did not lie. She did not know how to -- there were many things clashing around inside of her, confusion breaking the surface and destroying everything that may have been simple.

Complexity came with sounds, with the intake of his breath, with the beating of his heart, purring in her ear; with the scent of his skin, of clothes that did not truly belong to him. The world was opening up before her senses -- darkness opening up like a flower, the center of light, silhouetted black-out and fuzzy, but so visible. There was salt on her tongue as she breathed, humidity crowding her skin, making her fur stand up -- but these things were truly only another dimension of life -- the Wolf was not one to follow death, but to create it. She killed to live, lived to howl and feel the ferocity of her joy. There was no half-truths with her: she swallowed what was before her with the voracious hunger unparalleled. Who knew when next she would feed?

So she lived, in this state, pitched between the worry of her counterpart, and the feral violence that breaks out of her skin when she was let free. They were sisters, they were blood, partners in ways that only those like herself could truly know: pack, of the most dangerous kind. Loyalty tugged at her heart, a beast chained at his side. The black beast would not harm him, not him who had proved to be as strong as she, who had remained and followed, and had in turn, led her to safety. The girl could be indecisive, the Wolf would never be. The rumbling quieted with his touch, turning a lighter pitch of contentment as she tilted her head, as her ears slipped forward, catching the sound of his breath as he paused to speak. These were sounds she did not truly understand -- a language that she could not grasp, for it is a foreign thing to her. Words, words were useless and dangerous.

It is what she had taught the girl, and what Rin often followed; no longer did Rin listen attentively to others -- no longer did she hold herself on the edge of their words. All that mattered was this moment that held itself between the pauses of his words -- his voice was full of conviction. He did not know what he wanted: his scents churned in her brain, dappled sunlight and moss. He smelled of basil, his hands like upturned earth.

Haunches curling under her body, she sat, so daintily despite the ferocity of her appearance -- dulled by darkness, for wasn't she made of such things? There were no colors but the little bit of white that tainted the edges of her mouth where fangs glimpsed between moving lips. I understand that it seems like I’m going in the same direction as Murazar, but you can’t judge me the same as him. We are two different people. But that name, that terrible name could not be mistaken; there was a pause as her muscles tensed, as the girl, Rin, yes, that hiding, petulant child, too afraid to be anywhere near this bestial situation, too afraid to face him, lifted her head. The Wolf's ears flicked back, a strange sort of emotion curdling her contentment. Etta was weak, and he had chosen her; that was enough. Murazar was not wolf enough, animal enough; he simply wasn't enough, but there would always be that momentary pause, that tilt of the head as the Wolf turned to look at him. Always that moment of motion as she tensed to run toward his side. He had been pack, after all.

Haven’t I been here for you when you needed someone? I think I deserve a little more than you running off on me all the time, especially when I’m trying to help you. I’ve never pushed you away or told you I was too busy to see you, and I did that because I wanted to show you that I wanted to help.

[/i] Frustration, uselessness, helplessness -- she tasted them on her tongue as her jaws gaped open, as the girl wrapped her fingers in the Wolf's fur and took a look, so quick through it's eyes. Words were indefinable to the beast, but it was okay -- enough to know the emotion, enough to know the scents that lingered like burning acid in her nose. Packmate was not happy -- Rin quailed at the Wolf's thoughts.

But it was only them, only Luke and Wolf, only these two creatures which had come to a conclusion, an understanding as bone-deep and permanent; he could betray her, and perhaps the Wolf would still be here, would still sit next to him in the dark and lend him her slender warmth. Shoulder brushing against him, her narrow muzzle raised up against his face, her tongue slipping over his cheek to brush away the salt of his skin. What can I do to make you trust me?[/i] A pause -- the Wolf curls up beside him, on her flank, Or maybe I should be asking if there is even anything I can do to make you trust me. Rin cries out, but she is a silent voice behind the force of the Wolf's decision. Stay -- so simple a word, for there is peace here, between them. Without worries, without doubts -- so it would be, if Rin could simply realize the truth, if she would simply acknowledge that there will always be people out there who will hurt her, who will seek to bring her down. It is a cold, cruel world, but in this moment, without fear, the Wolf is reaching out, her maw opening as she delicately, so carefully holds Luke's wrist in her mouth. Her ears flick down; she releases him.

What trust? He is still here, isn't he? He does not fear her, does he? What trust needs to be proved but this difficult step to see beyond the violence to the scared little girl underneath, to catch a glimpse of the Wolf's surety and still be fine with her beside him. Her breath is warm as she lowers her angular head toward his lap.
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word count;; 1145
tags;; Ollie
OOC;; Lifehouse how odd. but yay for posting x3 (this would have been sooner if the freakin site didn't keep freezing)

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[Luke Bowers]

* LUKE ( OLIVER ) BOWERS ,

In this form, it was almost like talking to an animal. If he hadn’t known that the animal was actually human too. That inside of it was a very fragile and scared girl. More pieces had been added to the puzzle – put together. But at the same time he felt like some had been taken away. ”I don’t know,” he said out loud. Partially talking to himself, partially to her. He sighed and tilted his head against the wall. ”What a crazy world we live in, right?” It was crazy and it was confusing. How it got to be that way, he didn’t know. But it was probably always that way.

Maybe the ability to shift made it worse, but he guessed it would be pretty bad as a regular human being too. If people figured out they could shift, it would be even worse. That was all they needed really. Some people would think they were freaks, maybe some of them would think they were kind of cool, and the rest would probably think of them as science experiments. Perhaps there would be a few who didn’t even care or thought it was a lie.

He laughed unexpectedly as her tongue slid over his cheek, warm and moist. His wrist rose in her mouth and then dropped again, but he didn’t stop it. Just as his reached his hand up again, he stopped. He could faintly hear a noise coming from one of the nearby rooms. His eyes scammed the doors, almost as if he could see through them and tell where it was coming from. But that was not on his list of abilities. After a moment it stopped and he turned back to look at her. ”Who could possibly be calling at this time?” Probably a family member for somebody if they knew there was a bad storm on the island. He wondered if his own had called or at least left him a text. Or maybe a couple to show that they cared. But he didn’t want to go see. Mainly because his room probably looked like crap after what happened earlier.

Luke stood up and pulled the blanket apart and laid it out among the floor. Once it was spread out enough, he got back on the floor and laid on it. He didn’t want to sleep, but it couldn’t hurt to get comfortable if they were going to be there all night. ”Now with a box of strawberries, a pillow, and possibly some music or a movie and I’d be set to go,” he joked. He hadn’t had strawberries in a long time now that he thought about it. He rolled over on his side so that his back was against the wall and he was facing her. His hand caressed her fur again. It was actually comforting, although he wasn’t sure why. ”What should we talk about?” he asked, and then realized she couldn’t even answer his question or talk about anything else. ”Well, I can talk and you can listen. Or pretend to listen.”

His free arm folded under his head as a pillow while his other hand still ran through her soft fur. ”I wonder what everyone else is doing. Maybe they’re stuffed in the cafeteria. Or maybe they’re all going crazy. That’s what people seem to be like during the storm videos posted on the internet.” It wasn’t like they were the only ones that were in some building by themselves, but he figured the majority were together. If they had been smart, they would have gone to the main building before it got too bad. But it seemed like it was already bad by the time they noticed it. ”I wonder what the odds are that we’re the only two people in here.” He was practically rambling and saying stuff off the top of his head, but he didn’t want it to get really quiet.

The lights flickered on momentarily, but he hardly had time to register them before they went back off again. Luke groaned. ”Well that wasn’t even enough time to get happy about them being back.” He guessed it didn’t matter, but before long he was going to start thinking that he would always be looking out into darkness. He was not afraid of the dark but that was a scary thought. He actually did like being able to see stuff. Maybe if he were some type of animal that loved the dark then he wouldn’t mind. A Jaguar was kind of neutral about it. ”Do wolves like the dark?” He laughed at his stupidity. ”I don’t know why I keep forgetting you can’t really respond to me. You would think I had that down by now.” He guessed she could still nod or shake her head, but he only expected her to stare at him or something.

That was about the only reply he ever got from her, but she had talked more tonight than any other time he was pretty sure. The first night they met in the library she had been a little talkative too. Despite the fact that he hadn’t actually known her then and was busier at trying to figure her out, he still enjoyed talking to her. It felt more like a privilege than anything. ”You know, I think it would be much easier if you could keep your clothes when shifting. I mean it isn’t very helpful that we have to find clothes all over again when we want to go back into human form. Which really sucks if you’re out in public.”

He had ruined plenty of clothes like that. Sometimes he hid his clothes, but he always had to go back for them. Or he forgot and they got ruined anyways. ”Don’t look at me like that. I know I’m crazy, but still.” He honestly didn’t know if she was even looking at him now, because he had turned to look at the ceiling. Which he couldn’t even see. For all he knew, she could have been ignoring him.

tagged , Rin<3
words , 1012
lyrics , run this town - jay-z
muse , Rin’s post. Um..Skillet.
notes , I don’t know. He might have gone crazy off of nothing.
credit , rora @ hos

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[Natsumi Sayuri]

He was her anchor -- she could feel it, shuddering against her flesh, against her consciousness. It didn't matter that he would eventually betray her (that she would force him to follow these steps) -- there would still be this pull, this little bit of calm before the storm: the eye, yes, yes, this terrible eye which blinked so sluggishly with delicious languor. It didn't matter, perhaps, but it was important; she needed this constant voice, this constant brightness in her life -- to splash about, to hold her tight, to get angry, so angry: she wanted to feel the scald of his ire, to feel it rub against her in the most painful way.

Without boundaries, how was she to live? How was she supposed to know what can be broken? It is a terrible thought, perhaps, but it is what she craves: to push him to the edge so he would know what it was like to walk as she did: with her head held high even as the floor was giving way beneath her. Even as the fear slipped up like a familiar lover and cradled her close: these were the things she wanted to share -- the only things she could. What were words, when there were emotions to be had, to be felt, to be devoured? He spoke as if by speaking, she could erase her past, erase the trauma which had already dug it's scarring blade deep in her heart: but there were complexes built upon complexes -- without them, she would not be Rin. She would be something else, entirely.

So new, that glimpse of a girl -- so refreshing, so light hearted and carefree; if she could have snarled, Rin would have -- she would have torn the face off of that hallucination with pleasure. Growing up is hard; it was painful, cold, lonely. To dream of a self that would never exist, to think of what ifs, to hope that maybe one day, she would become so light-hearted and endearing ... it is a painful thing, and it is this pain that she would not dwell on. It reminds her, so easily, so blatantly that she had messed up, that she had walked the wrong path, had chosen a darker rode that led her to this blasphemy, instead of that laughter she can almost imagine, that smile she can almost see through a potential future which will most likely never occur. Rin was alone in the world, but for the Wolf. The Wolf was alone in the world, but for Rin.

There was more than just the body shared, the battle fought, the war won; there was love, hatred, sorrows, loyalty as fierce as the blade which so tenderly slipped over her skin and poured out her insecurities. Luke's voice was warm as it washed over her, as she held herself amidst this darkness silhouetted by the fierce brightness of the Wolf's flame. Rin held herself cradled by darkness, by a shadow created by her own misgivings, and was, for once, content -- the Wolf's ears were flicked back against her skull, her eyes, so black, so terrible, had melted from their usual indifference. There was him, and her -- but is the animal which is looking at him, not the woman, not the girl that had clung to tightly to his shirt, frightened of the death which had loomed up before her. It was only Wolf, only this vicious entity which manifested in her heart, was a part of her soul that Rin had never acknowledged. Would he ever know? Would he ever be able to see the puzzle with the most clarity?

Would patience stay his hand, or would anger and frustration (so rightful when pitted against such acute stubbornness) force him to pull on a piece that hadn't been set for him? Rin curled up in the darkness, content with the warmth, content with the silence but for that soft murmur, content to simply forget as she was slowly being forgotten. So well, this emotion --she may have smiled but it is hidden. There is only Wolf.

There is only that raging desperation for freedom that slips into the restless crags of her soul; she is seeking something in life that cannot be found: she will run until her paws bleed every day if it would help, if it will bring her one step closer. Instead, she settles herself beside Luke, ears flattened against her head, her muzzle lowered, pillowed on her paws as she rolls her scrawny weight to the side and touches, ever so slightly, against his own. There is chaos waiting within her, restless energy seeking to destroy the peace which has risen, but in this moment, she has found a heartbeat of consolation. In this moment with his fingers running through her fur, with his voice slipping through her ears, she has found a meaning to live.

So quietly, the rumbling sound of her contentment rocking her soul -- scabs falling away to reveal a pink scar beneath. So quietly one is healed -- in moments of pause, and not, no, not always with words and tears and heart ache. Rin shudders, her eyes turning away from it all; the Wolf savors the moment for what it is -- a portent of the future.

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word count;; 890
tags;; Ollie
OOC;; 1. I shouldn't have been able to write as much as i did about absolutely nothing. Sorry for crap post. 2. Apologies again for the delay, my 'rents left the house for a week and I've been enjoying the atmosphere -_- 3. HEY! 4. if you have any ideas on where this thread should go (directional-wise) please pm me, 'cause I'm drawing blanks.

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